‘Good morning Sir’
‘Good morning Madam. How are you?’
‘Oh, very well, thank you. Princi (short for Principal)this one you are calling…remember I told you I wouldn’t make it for the Parents’ Forum. But Junior’s Daddy promised to be there since he hasn’t attended in a long while’
‘He came. But I am more concerned about Junior and his disrespectful behaviour at school today…’
My mind replayed the conversation I had with Mr Tunji, the Principal of Valley High, the school my beloved son, Junior, attended. What did he do today? What trouble had he danced into, to make the Principal and Obinna call me at high noon.
Ahhhh. Obinna. I could still sense the fury in his voice. He barely managed to control his temper…
‘Tega, you need to start teaching that boy some manners.’
And I’m like ‘Excuse me?’
And he is like ‘Excuse yourself. I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life. What rubbish. He is lucky he did that at school and I didn’t have the nerve to belt him. He was saved by his class teacher who took him out before I could give a good resetting slap’
And I go ‘Calm down and tell me what is eating you. What did Junior do?’
Oh well. He had hung up before I could finish my sentence.
Deep breath. Don’t lose your temper. Count to 10. 1.2..3…4…5…..6……7…….8……..9……….10. Sigh. I’m still confused. Very worried. And gradually getting pissed…this time, at Junior.
I drive into my apartment complex. Home. Junior.
Ahhhhhhhhh. I pity Junior. He will be so flogged. How many times do I have to tell him ‘Sweety, remember to be good for mummy today. The whole world is watching’. I can only imagine what must have happened today. A fight? Did he steal? He can’t get anyone pregnant naaaaa. He is still in JSS2. Was he rude to his dad? Not likely. Distant, cold maybe, but not rude. So what?
I dread entering the apartment to hear the story from my Junior.
How can he disgrace me like this? The messy divorce with Obinna is barely a year and he is already making me hide my head in shame. Kaiiiiiii. My enemies will laugh at me. I remember fighting for the custody of my children.
My Reason: Obinna CANNOT raise the children better than I can.
Obinna’s conclusion today: I told u she CANNOT raise the children better than I can.
Kaiiiiiii. I will flog the living sunshine out of Junior. Teach him a lesson he will never forget. Afterall, the Bible encourages me to use the rod of discipline to remove foolishness from my child’s heart. Abi?

I step out of my ‘Evil Spirit’ and walk to the security post. Garba, the gateman, hands me the ‘koboko’ on request. I am ready for Junior. Is Junior ready for mummy?
45 mins later…I have had a shower and lunch. During this time, I have caught my son stare at me from the corner of his eyes. But, he is NOT fearful. Even with the cane lying royally on the dinning table. Why is he not fearful? Mummy flogs like a mad woman, so why is this boy not looking fearful.
‘Junior, come here’. He does.
‘Kneel down, raise your hands high and close your eyes’. He does.
‘Now, open your mouth and tell me why you disgraced me at school today, even in the presence of your father’. He does.
My mouth…wide open…for almost 30 seconds after the story.

His eyes…now wide open…wondering why mummy is silent.
And then…I laugh. I laugh loud and deep. I laugh till tears run down my eyes. And then…I hug my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased.
‘Junior, go and get dressed. Mummy is taking you out for a treat. Movies first.’
I love my son. Over love worry me sef. My boy just made my day.
Ahhhh, don’t judge meoooo. Read what he said:
Im sorry mummy, I couldn’t help what I did. Daddy came to Parents’ Forum with Aunty Michelle (Pause. Michelle is the skank that broke our home, imagine). Daddy was going through my books and then he got to my maths workbook (another pause. Junior hates maths, so you can still imagine) and I heard Aunty Michelle say ‘tut tut tut, as dumb as his mother’ (please pause again, are you still imagining). I got angry and called her a cheap ‘aristo’ who could only count money (oh, please pause again. Aristo is a naija slang for prostitute). And I asked daddy what he saw in this ugly hag? Daddy was about hitting me when my class teacher came between us. I am sorry I was heard by the principal but I am not sorry I said what I said to that woman. She has no right to insult my mother.
Pleaseooo, after hearing this speech, will you flog your child with koboko? No. You take the child out for a fun time in town…and also get the class teacher a little gift.

Punishment will come later, after he tells mummy where he learnt some of those words he used today from. But not today.