I am outside Valley High waiting for my son, Junior. I heard the closing bell a few minutes ago. While waiting, I go through my work notes. I am totally engrossed in my reading and didn’t see Deaconess Sandra walk up to my car. She knocks on my window and I quickly get down from the car to exchange pleasantries with her. She looks dull today. Maybe she prayed all night.
‘Mummmyyyyyyyyyyyyy’ my son shouts as he runs out the school gate towards me.
‘My favourite man’ I squeal as I embrace him in a bear hug.
I don’t notice Daniel, Deaconess Sandra’s son, until he speaks.
‘Good afternoon mummy. Good afternoon ma’ he says.
I hug him close to me and give him a peck on his cheek to acknowledge his greeting. At 16, Daniel was very tall and handsome. Deaconess Sandra barely looks at him. She doesn’t even answer his greeting. Her face is set like stone. I wonder why. But I don’t dwell on it. She must be cranky from praying in too many night vigils. I would be.
As I make to move into my car to head for home, Sandra quickly whispers to me that she would love to see me urgently tomorrow at home and then she walks briskly to her car and drives off.
As I remove the gear from neutral, I wonder out loud why she would want to see me. And Junior strikes.
‘It is probably because of Daniel’ my Junior says.
‘Daniel?’ I ask, confused.
‘Yes, mummy. He is fag’.
Bells are ringing in my head.
‘Whattttttttttttttttttttttttttt????’ I scream and almost bash a car in front of me.
‘A fag, mummy. He likes boys in a bad way. U know? He is ‘into’ boys.’ Junior calmly tells me, as if he is explaining something easy to a very dumb child.
So many things go through my mind. I can imagine what must be going through Sandra’s.
I look at my son Junior and fear grips me. My little, innocent, cute, angelic baby boy. God, I pray, please protect my son. This can NEVER happen to him. I’d kill myself. But that won’t help, will it?
In the hours following, I was haunted by every mistake I had ever made as a mother that may affect my son. I can’t think of how to deal with this situation if I was in Deaconess Sandra’s shoes. After all, didn’t God protect Christian families from the really big sins–like this one?
Life would seem out of control. Suddenly you feel like you are talking to a stranger, as this unfamiliar aspect of your loved one’s personality is revealed. The sense of betrayal can be devastating.
No wonder Sandra acted cold towards her son.
On my knees that night, I prayed for Sandra and Daniel with all my heart.
Sandra visited the next day and told me about her son’s ‘coming out’.
This was what I told her:
It’s appropriate to let your son, Daniel, know that you hurt for him. Let him know why you think his choices are unhealthy. Let him know that you will always continue to love him. And let him know that you will be praying for him. In dealing with your son, learn the difference between acceptance–acknowledging what is true in his life–and approval, which means affirming his behaviour as good and right or bad and wrong.
Separate his personhood from his behaviour. Many people involved in homosexuality push aggressively for acceptance of their immorality. Daniel may be thinking “If you reject my homosexuality, you’re rejecting me.” This attitude is based on his inability (or unwillingness) to distinguish between who he is and what he does.
Finding out Daniel is a homosexual does not negate your parental love, any more than God negates His love for His children when they have fallen into sin.
It is right that you still love your child. Observe how God demonstrates His own love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8).
Understand that telling you has probably been the most difficult thing your child has faced. Lovingly guard your response because your reactions will be long remembered.
Daniel revealing this piece of his life to you has shown that he deeply trusts you. What a terrific opportunity for you to show your unconditional love. That doesn’t mean you approve of his lifestyle choice, but it will help keep the door open for honest communication. In your conversations with them, it is important to let your son know that you love him and you will always be there for him.
Your child is no tragedy. He is still your child. Knowing he is involved in homosexuality does not erase all the joy and blessings he has been to you over the years. Just because you learned of the problem doesn’t mean you can’t be the same loving parent you were a few hours before you became aware of the situation.
Don’t feel guilty.
You are not to blame for your child’s homosexual struggle, but, it is also important for you to understand son’s homosexual feelings can arise from childhood pain, and sometimes parents have inadvertently contributed to that pain. Remember, the misbehaviours of our children do not necessarily indicate that we are failures as parents. Our worth as parents does not hinge on the choices of our children.
Parents are not responsible for what they cannot control. For example, they cannot control their child’s temperament. They cannot control their child’s perception. They cannot control their child’s temptations, or their child’s responses to those temptations.
And they cannot control their adult child’s moral behaviour. That, perhaps, is the hardest issue for some parents to face: the loss of control. Some parents spend years trying to regain control. They manipulate, they threaten, they yell. Ultimately, nothing works. The child is still involved in homosexuality. We don’t have to train children to lie, steal, harm others, act selfishly or demand their own way. Having a free will to make choices, all of us are accountable for our own actions. So, please keep in mind that your job as a parent is not to convict, condemn or change your child. Conviction and change comes from the Spirit.
Perhaps most important, let Daniel know that God can bring freedom from homosexuality. In 1 Corinthians 6:9-11, the Apostle Paul mentions those Christians in the church at Corinth who had been involved in homosexual sin. But they had ceased, and God had declared them clean and righteous in His sight. This is good news for men and women seeking change. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ.
All in Christ undergo transformation. However, it will happen in God’s timing. It will happen as long as your child allows it. It will not happen by force or seeking after your own expectations
Finally, don’t give up on God. He has not forsaken you, neither has he forsaken Daniel, your child – His child. Remember Romans 8:38-39? Paul tells us that for those who are in Christ Jesus, nothing can separate us from the love of God. Your child’s sexuality did not catch God off guard, nor does it stop him from pouring his love into them. He won’t stop loving you either because you love your son. For everything, God offers forgiveness and his grace is unlimitless. God’s kindness will lead your son, Daniel, back to Him. As for you, Deaconess, God’s grace is sufficient, for His power is made perfect in your weakness. Don’t lose hope. Keep loving your child. Keep trusting in our Saviour.
By the time I was through talking, Sandra’s eyes were moist with tears. I hoped I had helped her find a little comfort in her seemingly dark world. As she nibbled on the cup cakes I had served her when she arrived, I glance through the window at my son riding his bicycle and I offer a prayer on his behalf to Abba Father. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future. For today, His grace is sufficient.
The cause of homosexuality is complex, yet there are common, agreed-upon contributing factors:
• The person’s self-will
• A dysfunctional home environment
• Spousal or child abuse
• Seduction by peers or authority figures. (Studies show approximately 85 percent of lesbians were abused or molested and 40 percent of gay men were seduced or molested by older gay men when they were young boys.)
• Media influence
Posted on February 7, 2014, in Uncategorized and tagged Causes of homosexuality, Choices, Christian love, Gay child, God's love, Homosexualism, parental love. Bookmark the permalink. 29 Comments.
Thumbs up Dumebie! This is very inspirational. I hope most parents with very young ones and parents-to-be see this. We live in an era where parents need to take an approach different from the norm. Apart from praying for ur kids, talk to them, like friends do. Beating n hating doesn’t do it now. Find out out their friends n background…Catch them young! As for the issue of homosexuality, tell them, that there are no gay chickens or dogs! If we had gay dogs, there would be no cute pups!!!!!
Ezar,thanks 4 this enlightening issue at stake.The world is busy talking about d ‘gay adult’,not knowing dat d devil is working underground 4 a’harvest of gay children’.The society should b on red alert 2 counter d work of d devil 2 steal our children,perhaps kill them nd destroy their destiny.Parents,we should stop living in denial (it can happen 2 others nd not me).We live in a worid dat lies in wickedness,nd therefore should b ready 4 d surprises dat might sprng up anytime.Our prayer always is dat no evil befalls us.However if it does,lets be reassured dat our God is in charge nd in control.Through Him alone we shall do valiantly:for He it is that shall tread down our enemies.SHALOM!
Na wao!I neva knew dat our children are fags at such a tender age.The devil is true to his name-WICKED! Father,pls save our chidren that cannot discern b/w their right hand and their left hand like d people of Nineveh in d time of old(Jonah4:11).
Parents u are quick 2 throw away both d baby nd d dirty bath water.The right attitude in matters like this is to save d child,…lovingly help him/her 2 overcome d life-threating challenges of this age.
dis beautiful piece has said it all…cnt say more buh concur. nyc work darl…kip up d good wrk u hv strt
p.s homosexuality is immoral n not biblical..God in His infinite wisdom made woman out of man fr companionship..not man out of man…I consider d latter gross n absurd .and pple in such category nid to know Jesus. buh wiv love in my hrt.. I pray God’s mercy and grace will set u folks on d ryt path. amen
This group of people need help,b/c they do not know what they are doing.No wonder our Lord Jesus prayed on d Cross,..”Father,forgive them;for they know not what they do.Today i pray d same prayer for them in Jesus’name,Amen!
It’s not easy my dear, its the most shocking thing for any parent to find out that sort of thing, it’s really by the special grace of God u will still keep loving that person esp when you equipped the child with the word from inception. The holy spirit will help one to overcome condemnation of that child. You are really cutting across board ezzy, God bless n keep u. We all need this knowledge.. keep it coming
Aunty Ezar,this is a very sensitive issue,but u handled it so well.As a nation,we are quick to condemn,refusing 2 understand the underlying factors dat lead to such behaviour.We are quick 2 throw the first stone,forgetting dat the enemy is always at d door 2 take advantage of our human frailty.BE OUR BROTHER’S KEEPER(not destroyer).
Fag or Gay? Jesus loves you nd so do I.However,i am praying for ur salvation b/c if any man/woman/boy/girl be in Christ,he/she is a new creature,old things are passed away;behold all things are become new(2Corinth5:17).
Career-women,watch out!What u do not give ur daughter,she may get frm an available ‘female’,young or old.Likewise,d fathers.Dat child wants 2 be loved!Love them into d kingdom of God.
God is love.Therefore love is d Hallmark of our Christianity,nd is to be celebrated every day nd not just during Valentine’s day.Everybody should be our Val,including our spouse nd children.Why not use dat day 2 appreciate loved ones,nd let them know they are loved.As we give love,our children would not be lured away by d false love-givers.
Dumebi….i can see you did your home work very well. Thank you for this expose. God bless and keep you. More grace….
This anti-gay law in Nigeria,is it 4 both adult-gay and juvenile-gay?I guess our law-makers never thought dat there were gay-chidren in Nigeria.Parents would now want 2 shield their children frm d long arm of Pharoah’s decree like Moses’mother(Jochebed)of old.Na waoooooooo!
Amaka,u are right.I was thinking dat Juvenile deliquency nd their Remand Homes in Nig had gone wit d wind.But they are back,nd starring at our faces.Lord,pls come 2 our help! Iniquity is abounding,nd d love of many waxing cold(choosing to put on inordinate affection).
For this reason God gave them up to dishonourable passions. Their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural,and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women, and were consumed with passion for one another, men commiting shameless acts with men and receiving in their own persons the due penalty for their error(Rom 1:26-27), Gay is a dishonourable and Shameless act. Parents and parents to be should talk to their children about Gay, teach them what they should know abt it with God’s Word.am sure when they are informed, they wont fall prey. Most of them dont even know the gravity of the act or how they got into it, to be forewarned is to be …………. Good one Nebs
Olivia,i perfectly agree with u!Our children become prey 2 the ills in d society dat they do not know.When parents shy away frm telling them abt sex,they become prey 2 sexual assaults,abuse nd pervasions.Train up a child in d way he should go,nd wen he is oldhe will not depart frm it.TELL THEM ABOUTSEX nd d dangers,esp at d wrong time,nd with d wrong partners.DON’T SHY AWAY FRM TELLING THE TRUTH.TRUTH IS BITTER,but BETTER than having perverts in d society.We always have this wrong notion dat they are too young 2 know.But Junior nd Daniel hv proved us wrong.Unfortunately they know d wrong also.They have eaten d fruit of d knowlege of good nd evil!Talk of d Adamic sin in d garden of Eden!
I beg to disagree 2 some extent.While some parents have tried 2 raise Godly children,some children also decide 2 go their OWN way inspite of their Godly heritage nd instructions.As free moral agents with d diivine right 2 make choices,u cannot VIOLATE this fundamental human right.For these gp of children,we owe them love nd prayers,trusting God 2 deliver them!Rem dat some children will only do what u tell them ‘not’ 2 do.They love adventure,nd many times venture out 2 do d wrong things.For d parents of these children dat wander off after Godly home training,dont live with guilt!U tried ur best ,but ur best was not appreciated.Just keep loving them nd praying 4 them.When they return,they will appreciate u,having learnt d hard way like d prodigal son in d parable of our Lord Jesus.In conclusion,u should expect prodigal sons/daughters in some homes,even in d Church.
Na wa o, just lyk dat e no easy o, Well Oluwa is involved so I believe all things are possible. May we not experience such
The comments have said it all!western countries are trying to force things down everybody’s throat,by sayin there’s no such thing as right or wrong!soon pedophiles would start wielding their right!who ever thought sleeping with animals would be legalised in any part of the world?very soon,cannibals would say,they were born that way.infact the solution is prayers!we wrestle not against flesh and blood o!these battle is not against each other but against the devil!
We are more than conquerors in Jesus name!
Oyibo sef! I saw how frantic the UK Ambassador 2 Nigeria tried in ait tv, 2 defend homosexuality,nd demonize Nig 4 signing d anti-gay law.Atimes i wonder aloud whether they are BISEXUALS,since they hv not divorced their wives for d other ‘man’.Same wit Obama!Have they lost their ‘common’morality which i dont think is common again?Yes,morality is a scarce commodity today.May God help d world 2 overcome sexual immorality and PERVASION in Jesus name,Amen!!!!!!
Hmm…I’m short of words. We still have a long way to go. Yes, we believers. In trying to fight for God we worsen the situation. Here in America gays receive death threats from their peers, even in high school. Today, I read a threat letter sent to a high school student:
“I will protect the house of God from fags like this… I can’t wait for the day that I get to walk over your grave and if you don’t put yourself there, I will be glad to.”
Needless to say I gave up on that article. God doesn’t like sexual immorality. But he doesn’t want this either. Thanks for this lovely article! 🙂
The sad thing is dat they dont even know dat they are perverts.The adult gays tend 2 justify their actions,perverting d gospel as well.Is it not written dat Satan has blinded their eyes frm receiving d light of truth for salvation?Therefore by faith i tear off blinders frm their eyes 2 enable them receive d light of d gospel of Christ 4 salvation.
A big kudos to our President,….for d boldness 2 sign d anti-gay law in d face of intimidation nd domination by d ‘Bullish’nations of d world.They can’t isolate us b/c we are on d Lord’s side,nd one with God is majority!
This is a really nice write up dear, keep it up n I hope a lot of people in d western world can read this! God bless u and ur ministry dear
Some of d boarding schools are d breeding ground 4 homosexuality.Boarders should b well monitored by House mistresses/housemasters who are not infected by d ‘bug’,nd might want to abuse d students under their care.Teachers nd students shuld both shine their eyes nd b ready 2 report any abnormal behaviour to those in authority.Homefront,that househelp might b a fag.In this wicked world,everyone is a suspect! Be on red-alert!
Hate the sin, not the sinner…. Dumebi E, I like how you have written this piece and all the beautiful lessons + pointers… May God Almighty give us all the grace..and the understanding…and the wisdom….and the love….to pray the GAYS away so we have Godly and righteous families translating to Godly + righteous communities which will overcome the evils of the world in Jesus Christ holy name, amen.
Peace and love of Christ ++
omg! i get pained when people even try to justify “homo”. how low can you get? may God help us.
lol…i like the pray your gay away picture…lol. good work, ezar
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