SHACKING UP

Dear Ezar,
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for more than 2 years and we will soon get married. By God’s grace, next year (2015). We want to have a beautiful wedding and so we need to start saving money. My boyfriend suggested I move into his house and save the money for my house rent for the wedding. Someone said it was not a right move to do but my boyfriend has promised to be chaste till our wedding night. He also says we need to test drive our relationship before going into marriage. Is it still wrong to move in with him?
B.L

B.L wants to know if Shacking up is good.
c
Let me start by explaining Cohabitation (the proper word for ‘shacking up’). Advanced dictionary defines it as the act of living together and having sexual relationship especially without being married.
‘Shacking up’ is not new. Couples have been engaging in it for a long time. Personally, I know a few couples who cohabit and they have told me they do so to test their compatibility before getting married. Some have gone further to justify their actions because they are not sleeping together (yet) and are trying to save expenses. I do not believe in Cohabitation and I strongly advise against it even though most of the world does not have a problem with it.
Even if living together is now accepted these days, as Christians we do not conform to the ways of the world. You may not be having sex yet, but eventually, cohabitation will promote the temptation that will lead you to. Remember Matthew 26:41.
Even if you do not sleep together, the society perceives that you do because cohabitation is closely related to sexual activity and this would damage your testimony and cause someone to stumble.
Can you be very sure you won’t make a grave mistake after crying on his shoulder one beautiful rainy night?
c1
Shacking up also devalues marriage (Hebrews 10:4). You give the control of your life to someone you are not married to. What a disaster! It weakens marriage because having lived together with the open possibility of parting and that possibility always remains even after marriage. It never leaves.
c
You do not need to test drive your relationship before marriage. I know he may give you the crazy line that “you don’t buy a car without test driving” but you are not a car. You a wonderful woman created by God not an object to be driven. When a man test drives a car and he is not satisfied with the feel of it, he moves to another car and he keeps test driving till he finds the one that suits him best. The good thing is that the car does not feel anything. Relate that to your situation, a man will always be the driver you know? He drives you in all ways, sees you are not good enough and moves to the next available woman. Bad thing is you have feelings. Your emotions will have been tampered with and you would be a miserable wreck. . Some men are endlessly “test driving” the relationship, without any real regard for the spiritual and emotional wear and tear they’re putting a woman through, all the while keeping their eyes out for a better model (hiss).The Scriptures are clear. We are not to take advantage of one another in this way. Instead, as Paul says in Romans 13:10, “Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.”
Therefore, your boy friend’s goal should not be to date you long enough until he is confident marriage won’t be hard, but to date you just long enough to discern if he is willing to love you sacrificially, and if you are willing to respond to that kind of love. Keep in mind that no woman on this planet is ever going to perfectly meet a man’s specifications for a wife.
In answer your question, cohabitation is BAD. Marriage is a gift of God and cannot be adequately substituted with ‘Shacking up’. Shacking up is a distorted second best.

About Ezar

I'm in love with my dreams, married to success and having an affair with life ;) I live for the moments you can't put into words and I dont look back...unless there's a good view.

Posted on March 31, 2014, in Dear Jesus and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 62 Comments.

  1. wow….good points. I was in same situation once. But my pastor stepped in and spoke sense to me. Im glad I obeyed.

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  2. This is the trend in Uniben. Gilrs living with their boyfriends to save accomodation money. What nonsense.

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  3. Its very bad. For both Christians and muslims. Very bad. It is shameful and disgraceful. No matter the reasons for it.

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  4. Living together before marriage doesn’t reflect the commitment that God instituted and ordained. The good news is
    that it is never too late to make a change. God forgives sin.

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  5. Let me encourage you if you find yourself in this situation, there are plenty of ways to change and repent from it .
    There are plenty of people around you (including the Church) who can help you move out and wait patiently until you are married. It’s also possible that it might be time to just get married. You might even want to consider going ahead and getting married in the courthouse (which is legal and still in the sight of God) if you didn’t want to wait for a larger ceremony, which you could always do down the road. The point here is to take sin as seriously as possible and make decisions starting today to remove yourself from sin or from being tempted to, and to follow Christ because He is so much better.

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  6. Trust me, cohabiting is not worth the trouble or sin…so many regrets afterwards.

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  7. Regardless of whether you end up marrying the guy or kicking him to the curb, living together before making a serious commitment to one another is a huge mistake. Trust me, I’ve lived through both scenarios and in both cases—even in the one that ended up with my walking down the aisle—I regret moving in together.

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  8. People say they live together outside of marriage for a number of reasons. Some cite economic reasons–why pay for two apartments, they argue, when we can share one? Others view cohabitation as a form of marriage insurance–a way to test compatibility and screen out undesirable mates before they say “I do.” Those who cite this argument are often the children of divorced parents who suffered untold agony when their parents divorced. Or divorced people still raw from the wounds of their own failed marriages.

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  9. I totally agree. Living together clouds your judgment. When I moved in with my boyfriend, I thought I knew him very well. I soon discovered that it is almost impossible to see a person objectively when you are living with them. There just isn’t enough distance.

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  10. I believe that living together sets up an unhealthy dynamic that is almost impossible to overcome, because the relationship between a cohabiting couple is based on power and performance. The partner who is unwilling to marry wields power over the more committed partner. I remember thinking, “I’d better hide my fears and insecurities and not be too clingy or he will leave me.” Good post

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  11. I wish that when I was in my twenties, I had read an article like this. Maybe I would have moved in with my boyfriend anyway. I was so hungry for affection that the desire to trade sex for love was a tsunami that swamped my soul. But at least I would have been forewarned, and perhaps, just perhaps, I would have cried out to God to rescue me and show me another way to feel loved. My prayer for you BL is that you will resist the enticement of easy intimacy and wait for the one God has for you. It is a decision I know you will not regret.

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  12. I once asked a girlfriend to move in with me just to cover the rent because one of my roommates was moving out. I really didn’t think it was a big deal. A friend of mine sat me down and explained to me how serious a move like this was and how I had to reconsider to be fair to myself and to my girlfriend. Luckily, rational thought won out—I got a different roommate and my girlfriend and I actually ended up breaking up pretty soon thereafter. Thank God.

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  13. With pre-marriage cohabitation, you’re committing yourself to husbandly and wifely duties without any type of husbandly and wifely commitment. This can happen even without living together, but when you are sharing the same space, that dynamic basically just creates itself. And, while doing this may seem cool in theory, ultimately one party (or both parties) will feel taken advantage of, and/or tire of “playing” married couple without actually being a married couple, and this can put another level of unnecessary strain on the relationship. Y bother abeg?

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  14. What you don’t seem to realize is that you will never know what married life is like unless you’re married. The commitment of marriage adds a dimension to your relationship that puts everything on its ear. Right now, you are testing each other to see if you are compatible. If either of you slips up, the test is over, and you are out the door. Marriage doesn’t work that way. Slip-ups don’t end the marriage. If they’re serious enough, they just end the love you have for each other. Since you’re still committed to each other, you have time to correct the problem and restore your love. Best wishes, BL.

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  15. Great post! Living together may prove compatibility for a moment in time, but it provides no evidence for your happiness together over a lifetime. The only way you can have that happiness and compatibility is if you agree to take each other’s feelings into account every time you make a decision. And that’s what people who marry after not having lived together are highly motivated to do.

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  16. Whether test-driving or sampling,it is satanic,nd not God-ordained.marriage pervasion with those involved as perverts.Satan will always pervert anything dat originates from God…Haba.

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  17. Shacking up is like d’husband nd wife’dat little children play acting mum nd dad.Why act when u are old enough 2 go for d real thing -2 b married as husband nd wife?These 2 adults must be overgrown babies dat dont know what they want.May God help them!

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  18. Marriage is like a gift dat u open after wedding.Watever u see,u take. No sampling.U are stuck,4 better or 4 worse,till death do d parting.

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  19. Shacking up is for d lily-livered who wants a soft landing on d marriage terrain,not wanting to take a leap.It is 4 guys nd not 4 men.Grow up guys!

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  20. Cohabitation is sin against God nd satan-inspired.Stop now b/4 d door of God’s favour nd mercy closes against you.PICK RACE!!!

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  21. This is d game played by’dangerous men’to ensnare women,use them nd dump them.Wise up ladies.

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  22. mmmmmh…..Tchidi Chikere/Nuella cohabitation ended wit trad wedding last saturday….robbing Sophia to pay Nuella.Tchidi,may God mercy upon ur soul.

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  23. @Grace…shacking up indeed is playing d ‘mum nd dad’game of children by adults,period.

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  24. Its a dangerous game that devastates d LOSER,usually women.

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  25. Dont shack with fire……fire will burn u,nd burn you real good!The Consuming Fire whose marriage u pervert,in His fury will consume you.Beware!

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  26. there is no sex-free cohabitation.Most men are not virgins nd therefore cannot live without sex. If u do not give it to him while u cohabit,be sure he will get it somewhere under ur very nose.I ended up treating him for gonorrhoea.Can u imagine?

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  27. Some men wen they leave their parents,can’t live alone.They must shack up wit a lady to keep them company,cook,nd do d house chores 4 them,as they look ‘outside’ for a wife.Wen they get one,wit very flimsy excuse,they jilt the house/room mate.

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  28. @biola,dats true.The men use marriage as an excuse to keep d woman relaxed until they strike.These cohabitation men are dangerous nd must be avoided,or they will leave u an emotional wreck.WALK AWAY NOW b/4 its too late.

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  29. Cohabitation is ‘see finish’.Wen a man has seen nd tasted all,what is left?nothing but carcass!Who will want to marry.no sex-appeal.

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  30. ‘Mum nd dad playmates’,be sure ur sins will find u out.God cannot be mocked,whatever a man sows,he will reap for sure.

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  31. Yesooooo.U might receive forgiveness wen u ask our Merciful God,but u must face d consequence of ur sin……..period!

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  32. shacking up is pervasion.living in sin,an offence 2 d Thrice Holy God,the Consuming fire dat consumeth.

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  33. Not only living in sin,but swimming in sin wit no life-guard to save as u begin 2 drown.If God is against u,who can save u brother/sister?

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  34. Shacking no be love,but boy-boy work for d guy!If u are shacking up now,quietly pack ur luggage nd go.

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  35. For a working lady,he will expect u to provide to win his love nd be married soon.That is d bait..don’t fall into itoooo.

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  36. My husband shacked up d big girls in town who gladly provided 4 him..fed him,clothed him nd had birthday bash 4 him.Meanwhile he knew he wasnt going 2 marry any of them…his eyes were busy looking 4 a wife until he found nd married a CORPER.Cohabitation is about dashed hopes for its victims.

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  37. This post is timely b/c cohabitation is trending,..most times without d knowledge of parents.Poor parents!They are not omnipresent.Parents pray more for ur children like Job of old….perhaps my children have sinned nd cursed God in their hearts(Job1:5).

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  38. Shacking up is an illegal’marriage of convenience’ built on sand,sinking sand..nd destined 2 crumble.

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  39. Every illegality is under judgement already,nd cannot stand.

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  40. Any one who enters into marriage through d window or by some other way,nd not through the Door,is a thief nd a robber(John10:1).Are u a thief/robber?Cohabitation makes u one.Amend ur ways!

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  41. It’s totally unacceptable by God… Promised to be chaste till wedding night? Well the bible says let he that thinketh he stands take heed lest he falls… True agape love knows no bound cause it believes,hopes and endures all things! Test driving the relationship is absolutely unnecessary when you genuinely love one with Christ’s love…….

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  42. shacking up doesnt make u a big girl/big boy.Rather it lowers ur self esteem…it devalues u in d sight of God nd in d sight of man.

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  43. Why must u sample what God has packaged?Who are u to determine if she can get pregnant or not?

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  44. A couple sampled 4 pregnancy nd succeeded.B/c of dat,they got married.Immediately after marriage,they lost d pregnancy nd hv become barren till date.God cannot be mocked.

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  45. U cannot eat ur cake nd still hv it,can u?

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  46. Ladies,dont lower ur woman dignity.Cohabitation depreciates u…u become worthless.

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  47. Shacking up reduces u from a hero to zero.Be a HERO for Jesus,nd not a ZERO,a non-entity!

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  48. This post is an eye-opener!For two years,i hv lived a lie,hoping against hope for a marriage dat i thot would be,bt will not be after all.I was playing d role of an uncertified’wife’without any marriage certificate..cooking,doing d house chores,with my body as his sex tool.He has used me,but now i must dump myself…i am moving out of his life,hoping to move on in life through d forgiveness dat i receive from the Lord.Moving on will not be easy,but through ur prayers,nd His grace,i will overcome.

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  49. Better late than never!The Lord will help u.

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  50. @Anonymous..we would want to pray 4 u,bt we do not know ur name.I hope dat others will follow ur footsteps nd walk-away,especially d shacking up Christians.

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