Amaka’s Story

abuse

I envision a society free of family and community violence. I want to lead the way by empowering victims of domestic violence, child abuse, sexual assault and human trafficking to move from crisis to confidence in themselves. I have a mission is to provide support, prevent violence and promote justice for victims of crime and abuse, their families and communities. Send me your story, let’s break the silence together. My mail address is dezarpet@yahoo.com

Today, I present Amaka to you. Here is her story of abuse. After being thrown out of her own home, Amaka found herself in an abusive relationship with someone who rapidly became cruel, pushing, shoving, kicking, but it is the Sexual Abuse Story which affected Amaka most deeply, and the secondary wounding in the lack of understanding from friends:

Dear Readers, you’d never pick him out as an abuser, he was small built, never got into fights and everyone who met him thought he was a sweet guy. When I was thrown out of home and had to live with him he very suddenly started to get rough. It was minor stuff like shoving me, being all up in my face, not serious stuff but looking back it started then. When I was pregnant he suddenly became very violent: what had been pulling my hair got to be him kicking me in the stomach. I couldn’t leave him because I had nowhere else to go. The day after I’d had the abortion was the first time he raped me. One morning he “accidentally” shoved me in the stomach so hard he pushed me out of bed and I screamed in agony. In the space of a short few weeks this was my life and I was dead inside. It really was that fast, the violence came like flicking a switch and I was instantly shattered by the horrific abuse.

A few people tried to get me to leave but by the time they were doing that I was already deeply traumatised by months of verbal, physical and sexual abuse … he’d deliberately traumatised me so much that I was totally dependent on him. Then because I didn’t leave people said I must like it, that I must be making it up, that by not leaving I was choosing the abuse and I deserved it. I was so low and vulnerable that I believed what they said. I used to scream and scream for help and nobody would come, people would hear but ignore it. This makes me cry now writing it. People heard but they thought I wasn’t worth saving because it was my fault for staying.

After a few months I was a shell, I couldn’t even feed or dress myself and I was getting so drunk I couldn’t walk every day of my sad life. On a good day I’d just pass out drunk at home, on a bad I’d get a beating. Fortunately I have tried to blank out most of it but what I remember has left deep wounds. He could beat me for hours, shoving me against walls, twisting my fingers and banging my head against things … then he’d get aroused. I’d be sobbing and wailing like an animal, my face swollen from tears and I’d have to carry out degrading and painful sex acts. He’d always make it as humiliating as possible, he wouldn’t look at me, he’d sodomise me, he’d wipe bodily fluids over me and he’d call me all sorts. If I refused to do it he’d rape me. This was my life.

During the years that we were together he’d worked himself into believing that I was responsible for everything that went wrong in our lives. If he made a mistake at work it would be my fault for distracting him, it was my fault he couldn’t get it up because I was so ugly and so on. This, for me, was fortunate because he met someone else (prettier than me, he said) and decided that because I was so awful and he was such a victim it was fine for him to chuck me and move her in. I gradually rebuilt my shattered life and slowly realised that what had happened to me was domestic violence.

I’ve got over the worst of the problems but what still cuts me up is other people’s anti-victim prejudice, people saying that we deserve it for not leaving. I remember I spent hours explaining to my friends why victim blaming is wrong yet a few months later she said she had “no sympathy” for victims because we’re “mugus” and bring the abuse on ourselves. I gave her numerous chances to apologise but she refused despite knowing how deeply she’d hurt me. I’ve since realised that it says more about her than it does about me and that bigots like that aren’t worth thinking about.

My ex was a medical doctor but that doesn’t mean he was a nice person. Last time I spoke to him he was still martyring himself and making me out as the bad person. He absolutely believed it, passionately believed that he was the victim and that I made a big deal out of nothing. He was just like my mum, she always told me I was worthless and that everything she did to me was my fault. For years I believed what I had been taught, I really, truly thought the abuse was my fault and that if I wasn’t so horrible then my mum and my ex would have treated me well. Now I know they just taught me that to make me easier to control.

From birth till I was 20, all I knew was abuse and for a long time after the abuse ended I truly hated being alive and wished he’d just killed me. Now I value every day that I’m alive even though I have low level problems with my speech, memory, nightmares, flashbacks, hearing, sex, intimacy and physical scars. I always wanted to help people and now I’m a lawyer, I use what happened to me to help other people. Everything I went through paid off, it’s all worth it because I can help other people and stop them from hurting.

If you’re reading this and you’re going through it I just want to say sweetie, you can escape this and whatever anyone says this isn’t something that you caused or deserve. I have a nice, safe, warm home and everything is ok … you can get there too and you deserve to be happy.

Amaka

About Ezar

I'm in love with my dreams, married to success and having an affair with life ;) I live for the moments you can't put into words and I dont look back...unless there's a good view.

Posted on August 5, 2015, in Scars for Stars (Beauty for Ashes). Bookmark the permalink. 60 Comments.

  1. Your mother is a beast. She caused this. If you can’t trust your parents, who can you trust? Abuse by a primary caregiver damages the most fundamental relationship as a child—that you will safely, reliably get your physical and emotional needs met by the person who is responsible for your care. Without this base, it is very difficult to learn to trust people or know who is trustworthy.

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  2. Sad story. Violence affects all of us whether we are directly involved or witnesses

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  3. It’s a pity. Im glad you are doing well now. Thank God. Sexual abuse survivors, with the stigma and shame surrounding the abuse, often especially struggle with a feeling of being damaged.

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  4. To vanquish the beast, we must know the beast.

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  5. Its confusing being a relationship where you see the man you love and the man you fell in love with and then sometimes you see a totally different person. Ive been in one I loved him so much I thought I couldn’t leave for many reasons. Part of it being love I didn’t think I could live with out him. You need to know that they don’t change abusers never do. As much as we want them to or try and talk to them about the behavior they wont change. Leaving is hard and we all do it in our own time. But know your not worthless and you dont deserve to be abused and you are strong person!
    Hugs

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  6. I have been abused. There is no excuse to abuse someone. You deserve soooooooooooooooooooooooo much more than that. You deserve love and safety ALL of the time. I have been alone for awhile now, and its hard. I am scared to trust, but I want a healthy relationship.. One filled with love and respect…

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  7. My best advice to women is to learn how to identify the early signs of an abuser and never get yourself in an abusive situation in the first place.

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  8. As much as victims should not be blamed, women should also learn to act smart. Im sure your friends were annoyed because they felt you werent acting smart. But I know women stay in abused for a whole lot of reasons. Some stay because they have low self-esteems, some because of the finance and others because they live in fear of their abuser among many other reasons.

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  9. I think a lot of the times being with an abuser is a result of poor decision making. At the beginning of a relationship no one forces you to be with an abuser or even marry one. You may claim that at the beginning this person wasn’t like this but if you look back I’m sure you could see some of the early signs that if you knew how to identify them you would’ve probably never gotten together with someone like this.

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  10. I’m going through the same exact thing. My boyfriend hits me and calls me names like ashewo, bastard, freak and many other rude names. He makes me cry almost every night. I love him but he says if I leave him he will come after me and ruin my life. I also have some stuff at his apartment and he says that he will charge me for storage if I break up with him but he won’t let me get the stuff out. I don’t want to be with him anymore but I don’t know how to get out. Anyone else going through this please find a way out because I know how you feel. I need help! Im sending a mail to Ezar. Thank you

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  11. Steve, I beg to disagree. Staying in or returning to an abusive relationship is a complex decision that may be a very rational survival mechanism. Domestic violence victims/survivors are not always passive – they are employing survival techniques every day to protect themselves & their children – everything short of leaving.

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  12. It’ll be sad and hard to emotionally detach from someone who has pretty much brainwashed you, but staying in an unhealthy relationship will cause you more long-term problems.

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  13. It’s not that they are not smart, please. There are other factors to consider. Many victims/survivors believe that leaving is not going to make his/her life and their children’s lives any safer. Many victims/survivors of domestic violence are killed by their partners after they have left the abuser. Leaving, itself, can be a dangerous process. Many abusers escalate their violence in order to coerce the victim/survivor into reconciliation or to retaliate for the victim’s/survivor’s departure. Leaving requires strategic planning and legal intervention measures to safeguard victim/survivors and their children. We all that these are lacking in our country, dont we?

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  14. Remorse and begging for forgiveness are part of the method used by batterers to control their victims. They also very often promise to go to counseling or church – they will get better. Why would they? What’s in it for them to stop? What they do works for them, meaning it gets them what they want and won’t be deterred from abusing. Batterers rarely stop battering

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  15. mmmm..Domestic violence is as old as in d days of our forefathers.Staying in an abusive relationship is likened to d saying..The devil u know is better than d one u don’t know.All men are suspect.Only d enabling environment will prove their guilt or innocence.

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  16. The love of mothers for their children have kept them in abusive marital relationship.You can’t leave such children alone,even though u know u cant do much to help them if they also are being abused.We cant always blame victims,or call them mugus.

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  17. Hello Amaka. Good to read your story. U hv come a long way and I must commend you. I know dt victims may have become financially dependent on their abusive partner. Without money, it can seem impossible for them to leave the relationship. My mum was in d same situation. She secretly started a business and was able to break out.
    I must also commend Ezar for this proactive project. God bless you.

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  18. I am Hope,nd have learnt to hope,even hope against hope…trusting God for a change,a change of heart for d abuser.Checking out is not Christian..u believe God nd hope that He will intervene to give u relief.Flesh will always want to soft land.

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  19. @Hope, that’s nonsense. By remaining in an abusive marriage, a Christian sends the message that the abusive behavior is acceptable – and affirms the abusers sin.

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  20. Hope, Physical violence against a spouse is immoral and should not be tolerated by anyone. No one should remain in an unsafe environment, whether it involves a family member, friend, employer, caregiver, or stranger. Physical abuse is also against the law, and the authorities should be the first ones contacted if this occurs.

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  21. We live in a loveless nd selfish society where there is little or no empathy for d abused.As long as we are in our comfort zone,nothing or no one matters.All we know to do is to apportion blames without proffering solutions.May d Lord help us.What goes around comes around…it might be ur turn.Watch out!

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  22. I disagree with Hope. Abuse is in direct contradiction to how God’s children should be treated. Second, by allowing an abuser to continue in his destructive patterns, a woman is not loving him. She enables him, permits him, to continue in sin.

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  23. For those who want d abused to leave for a safe place,where do u want them to go to?Are u willing to offer them shelter nd food?Easier said than done.I will prefer dat we pray for them,trusting God for a quick interventn.Remember Apostle Paul was a violator that God changed to become one d great apostles of old.Dont give up on d abuser…he might become a saint in Gods hand.Just trust God!

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  24. @Rita,u know my story.Thanks for being my voice.Right now,i am in an abusive marital relationship.I was advised to leave,to leave nd tell my story.After i thot about it,i decided to heed their advice..i packed my things unnoticed to leave.When i approached some of my advisers for shelter until i can stand on my feet,they gave me so many excuses why they cant help me.One of them told me dat her home will become my husbands target,nd dat she does not want to be involved.I had no choice but to unpack…NO PLACE TO HIDE!

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  25. Hope has a right to feel the way she does. It’s normal. Don’t Overlook This: The abuser is the person the victim/survivor loves. This makes leaving the abuser especially difficult where violent episodes are followed by periods of affection and positive attention. The abuser may be the father/mother of the victim’s/survivor’s children. The victim/survivor may want to end the violence, but also preserve the family relationship. They may also be bound by religious implications of marriage and there are many other reasons related to preserving the relationship to consider. So please dont judge her. Thanks
    Im happy for you Amaka

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  26. On point, Rita. Many abused women have no access to their own finances and feel trapped because of this. Walking into an unknown future with no money, nowhere to live and no prospects for the future can be terrifying, so many women  remain in the abusive relationship because they feel they have no choice. But, they tell us that we have a choice when we dont.where do we go to? Refuges and shelters for abused and battered women dont exist in Africa.

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  27. Hello. my name and email is fictitious. What can I say? My relationship is abusive on and off. I get a lot of verbal insults but it gets physical when I say something my spouse doesn’t like…so if I don’t say anything at all I don’t get hit.

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  28. God,who ordained marriage is faithful.If He says,”I hate divorce/’separation’,then He hates it.If He hates it nd has given death as d conditn for ending a marital relationship,why do we counsel the abused to leave.Its not Biblical.I have been in an abusive marriage for decades but have remained in it,b/c dat is Gods will for me,nd besides that,my life is in His hand.I have not yet died,nd together we have raised our children to excel in their careers.I believe nd continue to trust God,dat one day,the Great Potter will mould my ‘clay’husband to be a beautiful vessel,with a mouth nd hands dat glorify Him,nd not abuse or batter d wife(Jeremiah18:1-6).But even if He does not,i have chosen to remain in marriage in this life,with d glorious hope of enjoying marital bliss with my FAITHFUL BRIDEGROOM in His Heaven.Let God be true,but every man a liar.What God has joined together,let not man,emotions nd feminism put asunder.Marriage is sacred..keep it sacred..lol.

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  29. @ Chidinma,indeed,there is no hiding place for d abused dat chooses to leave.After few years of abuse,i decided to run back home to my parents.I had thot they will welcome me with open hands after they hear my story.I was wrong.They chased me back,nd warned me not not reproach their name nd rubbish their integrity by ending d relationship.They counselled me dat marriage was like a gift wrapped up,nd wen i open it,whatever i see,i should take,nd endure patiently nd prayerfully.I am back to square one,to ENDURE until d Lord visits me.In all these,i am now a stronger person,nd more prayerful.The abuse is less frequent..i believe d Lord is at work.What is impossible with man,is possible with God.Only Believe!

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  30. @Vera nd @Faith As Christians, some of us feel hopelessly trapped in abusive relationships. We think the Lord wants us to be endlessly patient and tolerant of the sins of others against us. We believe that it is sinful to protect ourselves, and we believe that it is sinful to leave a family relationship. We think that once we are born into a family, through no fault of our own, we are stuck with them, no matter what they do to us. Some of us feel that once we start ANY relationship, family or otherwise, with someone who then turns out to be not the person we thought they were, it would be “un-Christian” for us to leave. For some reason, we are under the misconception that we would not be good Christians if we did not stick it out and continue tolerating just about anything the other person says or does. Non-Christians, and some fellow Christians as well, fuel this belief, telling us we must always be forgiving even though the Bible never tells us to forgive unrepentant people. Abusers and their enablers pull out all the stops in trying to make us feel guilty for removing ourselves from their destructive sphere of influence. People who have never experienced abuse just don’t understand how a family relationship could be so toxic that we might have no choice but to leave. Even those who have been abused themselves may criticize us for saying, “Enough!”. But that is their problem, usually driven by feeling threatened or envious of our growth and increasing strength and independence. Sometimes the old saying “misery loves company” is true.
    Even if we have forgiven our abuser, the Bible does not instruct us to continue on in an abusive relationship. We may want to give it a try if our abuser has truly repented and changed his ways, but many will be surprised to learn that even the most Godly and righteous Christians don’t have to keep going back for more. Apparently this rocks some people’s worlds to the point where they resist accepting it. But no one has the right to expect us to live our lives with abuse, or to judge us for leaving.

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  31. Nice blog Ezar. Congratulations to all the ladies who have triumphed over abuse. Now, to this Christian views on abuse. I think Common sense tells us to avoid situations where we’re placed in physical danger. And I believe that is what God expects of us. A woman whose husband brutalizes her is not only justified if she protects herself—she would be wrong not to. There is no virtue in a wife’s willingly submitting to beatings and physical abuse from a cruel or drunken husband. And certainly there is no biblical warrant for a woman knowingly to allow herself to be beaten and even injured in the name of submission to her husband, especially if there are legitimate steps she can take to avoid it. Thanks

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  32. What is Ab-use?It is Abnormal use of something/someone.Black husbands are notorious for abuse-physical abuse,fidelity abuse,sexual abuse,verbal abuse,emotional abuse,psychological abuse etc.And their wives are usually the victims with terrible scars.For which of the above abuses should a wife leave the marriage,nd why?

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  33. If women should leave marriage for any or every reason,who will remain in marriage?What would happen to the product of marriage..our children?Rem,love endures(1Corinth13:1-5).

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  34. Then,marriage was for better nd for worse,but today,most women clamour for the’better’nd not for d worse.Invariably many spouses back frm ‘honeymoon’end up breaking d marital vows.Women,most times spend time nd money preparing for their wedding day nd not for d marriage union.No wonder they checkout with with d least excuse.In the beginning it was not so.

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  35. I believe dat wen wives choose to leave,they should leave d title ‘Mrs’,nd also leave d man’s name nd bear her fathers name.U cant eat ur cake nd have it.I believe dat an abuser needs help,esp our prayers for healing nd restoratn.Our staying with him sanctifies him for salvation esp if he is unsaved(1 Corinth7).

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  36. Watch out ladies!The children of abusive parents most times end up abusers…..dat is what they grew up seeing nd hearing.So shine ur eyes.Love is not blindoooo.

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  37. Most of d women dat advocate leaving marriage are either out of marriage or are not married.A covenant breaker will suffer d repercussion.Those dat aid nd abet divorce/separation should be careful or u incur d Lords wrath.

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  38. Husbands/wives,the Abuser/the abused,do u know dat marriage is Gods project?He is d major stakeholder.WE MUST NOT ALLOW IT TO FAIL! Grow up nd Wise up!

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  39. Nobody has told us what to do concerning d children frm an abusive relationship.Who takes custody of them?When two elephants fight,its usually the grass dat suffer?Are they really in our thots as we make decisions dat can forever change their destiny?Do we have ostrich mothers dat care less about their children?Where is our mothers heart?Whom do we leave them with?Have we lost all hope for a better tomorrow nd a better family?Cant God heal nd restore?Is there no balm in Gilead?Are we lovers of pleasures nd not lovers of God?Indeed,these are perilous times( 2 Tim3:1-5).Nobody supports d actions of the abuser…they are of all men,d most miserable.But two wrongs cant make a right.Lets trust God to change them.Jesus also died for them!If u have no sin,throw d first stone.

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  40. Some physical abuse is caused by d provocative words of the abused,esp towards a hot-tempered spouse.Retaliatory physical abuse is not a justication for animalism.When d woman’s mouth has a diarrhoea,it can defaecate horrible words dat provoke.Wives/ladies,watch ur mouthooooo.

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  41. @joy..u are right.The verbal abuse of some women reduces a man to a mere loaf of bread..very humiliating.Then wen they react physically,u will want to leave.Who is deceiving who?It takes two to tango!There is no EXIT DOOR in marriage except d DEATH DOOR,period.Husband/wife,learn to be tolerant.

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  42. Just as physical abuse leaves a scar,verbal abuse also leaves a scar.

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  43. My fellow abuse victims,of all d abuse we suffer in d hands of men,i hate fidelity abuse ie marital infidelity.I can tolerate physical abuse,but not infidelity.That will be my only condition to leave.But i cant.Gods project(marriage)must not be reproached,it must not fail.He is faithful dat ordained marriage-will see us through.Patience,forbearance,self-control nd forgiveness are Christian virtues we must cultivate.

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  44. Beinjing conference/feminism are d enemies of true Christian submission.Why wont there be conflict where u have TWO CAPTAINS IN A BOAT?Thats why some men go physical.This is a heterosexual relationship where God ordained d man to be d head of a woman,nd not d other way round.There must be order in d home,but not through violence.Domestic violence is mans inhumanity against woman.

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  45. Do we know dat we have in our midst d scenario where men are physically abused by women,even to d point of death?The world has turned upside down,nd we need Christian couples nd counsellors dat will turn it the right side up through d Word of God..lol.

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  46. Some medical doctors are violent men.Many times i wonder why they studied medicine.Definitely not on compassionate ground.Perhaps for d social status.They lack human milk of kindness.Thats d irony of life..the one trained to save life,is d one dat destroys the life he was trained to save!

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  47. Amaka,receive the Lord’s beauty for ur ashes.Take hold of d Hope dat all will be well,as an anchor for ur soul.God is faithful!

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  48. People dont enter headlong into an abusive relationship.Human beings are naturally hypocritical,pretending to be what they are not.Even courtship does not rule out hypocrisy.Its only wen a marriage has been sealed,nd marriage certificate delivered dat u see d true colours of ur spouse.Its not always what we signed for dat we get…dats d irony of life.

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  49. Ladies,know today dat most men are abusive like Emeka in d book,’The Spider’s Web’.So its either u enter marriage to STAY,or u dont get married at all.Marriage is not for samplers or gamblers.It is for those dat have made d choice to stay for d better or for d worse.BE WARNED.Its better u dont get married at all,than to get married nd check out for any or every reason,reproaching Gods Holy Institution.

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  50. Amaka,i empathize with u in this ur hour of need.I have been there,nd its only d sufficiency of Gods grace dat has sustained me.In my weakness,He strenghtens my resolve to stay on.His strenght is made perfect in my weakness.Day after day,i see His hand on my husband with an accompanying little changes.Dont give up on him..surround him with songs nd prayers of deliverance.

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