I came across a letter I wrote to myself a few years ago, long before I turned 30. I remember writing it to prepare myself for the feelings that would assuage me when I turned 30 as a single woman. Funny stuff! Looking back, I always thought I’d enter my thirties sans husband and very single. Don’t get me wrong, though. Back then, I had plenty of times in my life when it wasn’t just MeMyselfAndI (and my books). I dated guys halfway around the country, I’ve dated a neighbor on my old street. I’ve dated guys I wanted to keep seeing again and again. I’ve dated guys that gave me butterflies in my stomach and made me a better person, and guys that infuriated me and made me terrible about myself. And I’ve dated guys that got my hopes, and guys that made me want to stop hoping all together.

But through it all (and maybe because of it all), I honestly came to conclude mid-twenties that I’m simply not much of a “dater” (oh, feel free to officially label me as “picky”. It’s OK).

Anyway, I picked up my pen and this letter to myself at 30. It  was inspired by some friends of mine who were already in their thirties, but single and miserable (I don’t know why).


Tomorrow is my birthday. Starting from tomorrow people will start to look at me with suspicion.

Tomorrow, I’ll go through all the signs of shock, denial and just generally freaking out.

Tomorrow, I’ll think of all those landmarks I thought I would have hit by the time 30 rolls around –like marriage, kids, family vacations and all – but just haven’t happened yet, thanks to a ton of outside factors that I never considered when I was younger.

Tomorrow, I’ll consider married couples I know and think to myself: “I’m just as pretty as she is. Why don’t I have a husband too? What’s wrong with me?”

Tomorrow, I’ll be a woman who finds herself occasionally lonely and won’t be able to hear herself think because of the pounding noise of her biological clock.

Starting tomorrow, I’ll discover that my single status is akin to some flesh-eating disease, which if unchecked, would eventually consume me in some awful way. It will be hard for me to understand certain people who think they have the right to tell me that it’s my fault that I’m not yet ‘partnered’. I would deal with friends giving me lectures on how I just need to “go out more” or “put myself out there” with no real idea of how much effort I might be putting into meeting someone, with no real results.

Tomorrow, my pool of available and ‘datable’ guys will shrink and so will my pool of close friends who are still single. Now, I’m not saying I won’t get along with married friends, but I know something is to be said for knowing others that are in the same life stage as you. I’ll do some things to hopefully remedy this, and find myself some single girl friends, but again, this will be harder.

Tomorrow, my desire to be married and have a husband will be deeply ingrained in me and while the prospect of being a wife is wonderful, the continual longing to be changed from a single woman to a married one will be a heart-wrenching and emotional time.

Tomorrow, I’ll hope more, pray more, fast more, struggle more and question God more. My constant prayers will be “Dear God, I don’t want to feel like an old maid. I don’t want to end up alone, working a crappy job in a crappy apartment after a long string of bad endings. I don’t want friends shaking their heads in pity while I dress my cats as kids and wait desperately in bars. God, please.”

Starting tomorrow, I’ll cry myself to sleep instead of treasuring my Father’s presence. I’ll miss out on God’s peace and joy because I will begin to believe a lie. Deep down, I’ll believe God isn’t giving me my greatest desire because He doesn’t notice me, He doesn’t hear me, He doesn’t love me.

Tomorrow, I’ll start to condemn myself to a two-person chain gang digging trenches in conjoining manacles so people won’t wonder what is wrong with me. I’ll be perceived as being too picky, too difficult and too proud. And even worse, I can count on the news of my single status being met with the shock that will attend the visage of Virgin Mary appearing on the walls of The Medina.

I could do all that tomorrow or I can age out of the prime mating market and approach the game-changing event that occurs in the 30s. I would prefer I start to work really hard to both focus on my life, and not internalize all the negative stereotypes I am fed about women, and remain confident that the things I would like to see in my future will happen. I’ll choose not to project my hopes and dreams on someone else but direct the energies of worrying about ‘tomorrows’ inward.

I know there will be moments of self doubt and evisceration, moments when I’ll panic and hyperventilate, moments when I’ll be weighed down about my disease to such an extent that all I can do is weep with sheer misery. But there will also be moments when I’ll remember that what doesn’t kill me makes me strong and wipe my tears and get on with life. I’ll remember that ‘Single’ isn’t a status but a word that describes a person who’s strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.

Tomorrow, I’ll publish this under a pen name because while I think this is a subject that needs to be addressed, there is a part of me that feels I will be judged as a “bitter single woman”. And the fact that I have this fear, despite knowing that I am anything but, does make me sad.

About Ezar

I'm in love with my dreams, married to success and having an affair with life ;) I live for the moments you can't put into words and I dont look back...unless there's a good view.

Posted on June 22, 2016, in Relationship and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 20 Comments.

  1. Dumebi, I can relate. i felt this way too


    • Same!
      i feel like ive only gotten more confident and happy with myself as ive gotten older, even though the process has been slow and gradual. It’s not easy being single anywhere


  2. Hmmmm…deep!


  3. Visage of Virgin Mary appearing on the walls of The Medina… you are good, jare. I love your sense of imagination. I am wiating for our next book 🙂


  4. Made me laugh…lol


  5. ‘Single’ isn’t a status but a word that describes a person who’s strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others #Word #Word #Word


  6. It gets harder and harder every year


  7. Im petrified of turning 20 soon. I don’t even want to know how I feel 10 years from now before my 30th birthday. This is already a crisis for me.


  8. I too feel the same way. I have been single for over 2 years now and I will be 28 in a month. Lots of my friends are getting married and some are thinking about having kids. I have always thought I would be married by this time, however this is not the case. I am hopeful and believe that when its meant for me it will happen. These days guys dont want to hook up and they dont want a life term commitment. Thank you for this post, Ezar.


  9. This resonates with me.


  10. Love your blog…will be following


  11. When d ladies of this age are too materialistic, who will want to marry extra load wit wahala?I don’t blame d guys.They must look b/4 they leap.


  12. Most of our ladies waste their early twenties jumping from bed to bed,wit d belief dat wen they are through,they will settle down in their late twenties. But u cannot eat ur cake nd hv it.Men cannot be mocked.U reap what u sow.


  13. Today,we still hv some women looking for d tall,dark and handsome guys.Let them keep waiting till their kingdom come.I am always available…being short, fair and ugly.Good luck to u ladies.


  14. These single women should not rant.They are d architect of their singleness.They want ready-made husbsnds.Wit high unemployment rate,it is very hard to find them,except d sugar daddies who are married nd unavailable.They would hv coupled wit a guy for who he is,and not because of what he has.No condition is permanent.


  15. Why are they ranting wen they left me ,an eligible struggling bachelor for d rich guys?Make water find its level


  16. After years of runs, enjoying d pleasures of sin for a moment,who do they think would marry them?We are not mugus.


  17. What goes around,comes around.Many women are in d marketplace,bt only few are marketable,are wifey.


  18. Due to economic crunch,sugar daddies hv taken over our’ potential’wives.Who will want to marry a second-hand,an Okirika lady,serviced for years by a sugar daddy?Mbanu.


  19. I am pleased to see your write up! Not all ladies in thirties wasted their twenties jumping form bed to bed or looking for a ready-made husband… Most were too scared to jump or to make a decision of a life partner ( and are now mandated to do so anyway); others were looking for friends they would connect with; some others where perfectionist; few have experienced terrible marriage of their parents and are scared to their knees to leap….and many more!
    But in the end they are faced with the same fate and have to choose how to face them


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: